I’ve never been afraid of dying I’ve always understood it was just a natural part of the story and I’m still not afraid of it now. I died last year, for 36 minutes I was a lifeless husk and worst of all, I ruined my favorite pair of sweatpants.

April 2nd 2016

It was a cold night and the house was colder, I rolled over in my bed and was unlucky enough to touch the only cold spot in an otherwise warm bed, as my leg passed over the cold spot a shiver ran through my body waking me up in a rather unpleasant manner and in mere seconds what had once been a warm bed had now been devoured by the cold. I was wide awake and unable to fall asleep.

I decided to just get up and start my day slightly earlier than planed.  I grabbed my phone from the bed side table to check the time and was blinded by the bright screen, when my eyes finally stopped pulsing with pain I noticed it was 3.00 am Saturday, as I got out of bed I accidentally hit my hand on the end of the bedside table. While my bed may be against a wall I think it would be safe to say I had woken up on the wrong side today.

I threw on a t-shit I had lying around and a big blue jumper over that, then I put on my favorite pair of sweatpants, they were a light grey and always fit perfectly, they always seemed to be perfect no matter the weather. When it was freezing cold they were warm and when it was boiling hot they were cool and no matter how many times you washed them or mistreated them they always stayed soft, they were my favorite pair of sweatpants.

I had to be quiet as I made my way out of my room and to the TV room as I didn’t want to wake my grandfather up. I made it to the TV and more importantly the heater, I turned the heater on and was welcomed by its warm humming sound and equal warm air, I turned on the TV and my Xbox sat myself down and started to play Dark Souls 3. After 20 minutes of frustrating yet wonderful Dark Souls gameplay I notice I was a bit wheezy, which was normal, my asthma tends to get a little active in the colder weather. I took a puff of my medication and continued on with my game.

Another ten minutes passed and I notice I was still wheezy so I quietly made my way to my room and grabbed my spacer (A spacer is a small plastic tube that has a hole for your puffer at one end and on the other a one way valve for you to breathe in the air, it allows you to breathe in more medication then simply using the puffer) and slowly made the journey back to the heater. I sat down and with spacer and puffer in hand I followed the 4 by 4 rule. 4 puffs, 4 breaths, 4 minutes after my four puffs, breaths and 4 minutes I was still wheezy so again, 4 puffs, breaths and minutes later I wasn’t any better.

Shit!

Now I had to call an ambulance, which meant I had to grab my wallet, wake up my grandfather and worst of all I would have to stop my game. I got up started to make my way back to my room, less silently this time. I grabbed my wallet then went to my grandfathers room, woke him up and told him what was happening, he quickly stumbled out of bed. As he got himself ready I dialed 000 when the operator answered I gave her my details and let her know I was having and asthma attack all while I was opening the front door, turning the outside lights on and settling down on the floor by the front door.

Here’s some friendly advice , any time you have to call an ambulance while at home if you can, try to sit close to the front door, you have no idea how long it might take for the ambulance to arrive and when they do why delay the paramedics from getting to you by being far away from the front door, as for sitting on the floor by the front door, it’s always best to sit on the floor rather than a chair or couch just in case you collapse, the less distance your head has to travel to the floor the better, of course if you or a loved one have collapsed while in a room that is a good distance from the front door or the floor by said door, feel free to ignore everything I have just said, no point in dragging a loved one from room to room. One last bit of advice, if you are on the phone with the ambulance and think you are having an asthma attack do feel free to ham it up a bit, don’t talk to them in a calm and perfectly normal manner, I learned that one the hard way.

I sat on the floor by the front door and calmly told the operator I was having an asthma attack, we had a little chat said our good byes and hung up. By this point I was fairly calm, I wasn’t really worried or bothered, not much for me to do in this situation other than calmly sit by the door and  wait for the ambulance. My grandfather was still getting ready, old age and being nervous don’t make for quick actions, I called out to him to see how he was doing and to remind him to hurry up, it was at this point I noticed I was having a harder time breathing, I could breath out like the best of them it was the breathing in I was finding tricky so I quickly dialed 000 again, my grandfather finally walked over to me as I waited for the operator.

When the operator finally answered I found myself in a situation I only experience when confronted by a rather beautiful girl, my brain was thinking one thing but my mouth decided to act on its own but instead of sounding like a blubbering fool trying to get laid I simply yelled out “HELP!” I didn’t want to say that, I had planed on saying something to the effect of “I’m having an asthma attack, hard to breathe out” except with a few more coughs and wheezes thrown in. As if yelling help wasn’t already bad enough I started to cry and yell more nonsense, “this is odd, I’m not being helpful at all” I thought to myself, seeing as the tears and yelling wouldn’t stop I handed the phone over to my grandfather it was at that exact moment.

I shit my pants and woke up in the hospital. That’s all I remember.

One minute I shit my pants and the next minute here I am in the hospital feeling incredibly tired, at least I made it to the hospital. As far as I was concerned all was well, I called the ambulance so they could take me to hospital and here I am so brilliant everything worked out. I didn’t think much about not remembering anything and quickly fell asleep. When I next woke up I was slightly more aware of my surrounding but not fully, I noticed I was tied to the bed, unable to speak sue to a tube down my throat and that my mother way beside me.

Now even in my semi conscious state I still have enough sense to realise that the last thing I want to deal with in a hospital situation is my mother, she’s a lovely woman but horrid when it comes to stressful situations such as hospitals and even in my semi conscious state I knew I had to cut any tension and let her know that I’m okay and nothings wrong, they gave me a pen and paper and I wrote down the only thing that would let my mother (the woman who raised me on her own) know that everything was okay, so I simply wrote, “Fuck Off” then drew a big love heart around it.

The room fell silent, the nurses that were around us were shocked, as I assume some of you are reading this are “how could a son laying in a hospital bed tell his worried mother to, Fuck off?” the silence was quickly disrupted by a large guttural belly laugh, snorts and all coming from my mother who then quickly had to explain to the confused nurses that she has a dark sense of humor as I fell back asleep. What you have to understand about my mother is that she is a sad woman, a very sad woman so naturally she has a dark, dark sense of humor, if I had written down “I love you” or “I’m okay” this would have had no effect if anything it might have made her worry even more, fuck off was the only possible solution and hey at least I drew a big love heart, that makes it better, right?

My memory is slightly mixed up as I would wake up and fall asleep a lot, from what I have patched together when I finally woke up the nurses untied me and removed the tubes. When I asked why I was tied down the nurse said “You’re a scraper, nearly knocked a few nurses heads off while you were asleep”  I apologized, I then asked the nurse where were my clothes and was surprised and confused when she told me that I had arrived at the hospital nude. Where were my clothes? Why was I nude? and more importantly where are my favorite sweatpants?

My mother and my step brother and sister where sitting by the bed we joked around a bit before they decided to leave. I was still very tired and didn’t think to ask many questions I still wasn’t sure what had happened, I knew I called the ambulance around 3.30 in the morning and had somehow made it to the hospital, I guessed something happened for me to be asleep but it must not have been anything bad seeing as I’m awake now and it seems bright out so it could be around midday, I found it a bit mean that they decided to leave after just getting here and I let it be known, They then told me what happened. It wasn’t midday is was actually closer to  6pm and that they had been at the hospital for some time, I had been in a medically induced coma for most of the day and the few times I had woken up was after they had started to bring me back, the reason I had been in a coma and couldn’t remember anything after I had shit myself was because I had died early that day and worst of all, when the paramedics arrived they had to cut open my clothes and because I had shit myself they threw my pants away, I may have survived by my favorite pair of sweatpants didn’t.

Shit.

I hadn’t expected that to be honest, I wasn’t scared or worried “why should I be, I’m not dead now” I thought to myself but I was shocked and maybe a tad bit amused if for no other reason then I now had an interesting story to tell. I woke up Saturday morning at 3am, had an asthma attack, was dead for 36 minutes and placed into a coma and worst of all. I no longer had my favorite pair of sweatpants, they will forever be missed.

The story doesn’t end there, while in hospital I find out what happened while I was gone, why everyone keeps asking about my eyes and why is it I haven’t gone to the toilet yet but that can be a story for another time.

Until Next Time, Stay Safe and Keep Odd.